


Unnecessary Wisdom

by centipatch



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Advice, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Advice, Enemies With Benefits, Enemies to Lovers, Izaya as advice columnist, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Relationship Advice, Shizuo is so done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 22:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7380100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/centipatch/pseuds/centipatch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya takes on a part time job that requires him to answer varieties of questions. Meanwhile, Shizuo has taken a liking to a certain column in entertainment section of Ikebukuro online newspaper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unnecessary Wisdom

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dear Sirius](https://archiveofourown.org/works/856175) by [duva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/duva/pseuds/duva), [fictionalcandie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalcandie/pseuds/fictionalcandie). 



> I will post a better picture later.

 

 

**Monday, 11 January 20XX **

**Dear Sycamore-san,**

**I am in my second year of high school and still not sure whether to go to college or job hunting instead. I don’t want to burden my parents with college tuition, though. So, what do you think I should do? Please help!**

**Sincerely, Confused Girl**

Dear Confused,

High school is indeed an important period for most of us. A lot of choices are to be made, and in that span of time, we learn a lot that every decision we make will affect our future, such a scary thing isn’t it? Will the goodwill to lessen your parents’ burden make your future bright or will it cast a shadow instead? No one knows for sure. But, if you do have something you really like to do in the future, it wouldn’t hurt to start with that because the chance of remorse is smaller when it is involving something we love. I hope it helps to lessen your worry a bit, remember to take your time and think carefully. All the best of luck!

Sycamore

* * *

 

**Dear Sycamore,**

**This is urgent!! Please help! Which one do you prefer, cereal or toast for breakfast?**

**/Breakfast Emergency**

Dear Breakfast,

I prefer fried pork with ginger, miso soup, and white rice. Oh, and don’t forget the green tea! It won’t be complete without a hot, steaming green tea. Thanks for asking!

Sycamore

* * *

 

**Dear Sycamore,**

**I accidentally put laxative in my boyfriend’s lunch yesterday and even until now he’s acting like a drunkard, I do think this is amusing and the urge to take embarrassing photos of him being like this is so strong. Should I really take it for blackmail just in case he cheats on me in the future or should I not?**

**/Amused Girlfriend**

Dear Amused,

This is an interesting case if I may say. Laxative, as we all know is a substance used to relieve and prevent constipation. It works by increasing bowel movements and loosening feces, however, the effectiveness of each laxative type varies from one person to another. In general, bulk-forming laxatives also referred to as fiber supplements, are the gentlest on your body and safest to use long term. Metamucil and Citrucel fall into this category. Stimulant laxatives, such as Dulcolax and Senokot, are the harshest and should be used only occasionally. Also, just for the note because this is important, even the side effects of every type differ, but mostly it leads to diarrhea, as far as I know that is the most common side effect of overusing laxative. Back to your case, it’s very amusing since there was also the case of teenagers using laxatives to get drunk but this is the first time I heard the effect took this long, and I encourage you to take as many pictures as you could to commemorate one of the rarest events, but after that please bring your beloved boyfriend to the hospital because, you can say, I’m worried about his health (P.S. please send the pictures to my editor).

Sycamore

* * *

 

**Dear Sycamore,**

**Have you ever been in love with someone so bad before?**

**With love, Anon**

Dear Anon,

As a living being, of course, I have, and still am in love with every one of you. This feeling is great, isn’t it? It makes you want to observe… and meddle.

Sycamore

* * *

 

**Dear Sycamore-san,**

**What do you think of your job? Do you love it? I’ve been having this boredom toward my job for a while now, So, I think I might quit… or probably not because job hunting is hard nowadays.**

**Sincerely, Bored salary man**

Dear Bored,

I do love my job so much because it helps me to get to know the **thing** I love the most. It’s interesting, really, but sometimes it can get boring. Then again, every job is like that, isn’t it? Though I sincerely feel that the dynamic is part of the charm. Of course, you can choose to quit now, but do you have some savings because even I don’t want to live in poverty. Good luck with the dynamic!

Sycamore

* * *

 

 

///

 

**Shinra Kishitani’s apartment, Ikebukuro**

**11 January 20XX**

**15:00**

Shizuo Heiwajima stomped angrily in the hallway; there were holes and cuts everywhere from his sleeves up to his shoulder lines with a few red spots scattered randomly. His feet only stopped when the door to an apartment belonged to his old friend was right before him. His lips pressed together into a thin line which matched the seemingly permanent scowl on his face. A loud banging on the door was what followed when he ran out of his dose of patience, accompanied by furious and impetuous taps from his shoe. His angry vein was popping more prominently when a cheerful answer came from the other side of the door; sure as hell it was too cheerful for his combustible mood.

“Shizuo-kun! What a surprise, but not really!”

Shinra Kishitani, complete with his glasses and lab coat which he wore religiously opened the door with a smile coated with a disturbing cheerfulness that was so out of place, a mismatch to Shizuo’s own scowl. “How can I help you with today? Wait, don’t tell me, let me guess… It was a fight, right?” Shinra nudged the frame of his glasses up a bit and observed Shizuo’s appearance from head to toe; his white shirt was tattered and there were a few glass shards stuck to his vest and hair. Such a sight was not surprising and probably better looking if you knew the reputation of Shizuo Heiwajima (and mostly, if you were the one who kept patching him up after almost every fight). Shizuo clucked his tongue and pushed past Shinra to go inside; the hand was shoving Shinra until the latter was pressed against his door. He eyed the interior briefly and continued to wander to Shinra’s dull-looking couch.

“Yes, please take a seat on that couch, like usual!” He heard the underground doctor chirped almost too excitedly, “I’m going to check you wounds, is there any bullet one?” Shizuo silently sat and chose to watch whatever was on television to distract himself from feeling irritated because, once again, he just destroyed the present Kasuka gave him. “There isn’t any”, he growled out; his voice was still rough from shouting so much. “It was just a client trying to escape, that fuckin’ pest locked his goddamn door and windows so I broke one of his windows and jumped inside!” His hands balled into tight fists as he remembered the past event with so much anger in his honey-brown orbs, continuously muttering “Shitty assholes are everywhere”. There was an amused chuckle before Shinra re-appeared with tools to treat Shizuo’s wounds. “Sounds like something out of an action movie! So, that’s where you get those shards from!” The blond bodyguard followed where Shinra’s finger pointed at and cursed loudly; with rough movements, he swiped the shards of glass that were sticking to his dusty vest and didn’t seem to mind the sharpness that each of the shards brought to his skin. “Tom-san wouldn’t let me continue to work unless I go see a doctor. But really, all I have are just scratches, they will heal by themselves.”

“That is called preventive measure, Shizuo-kun! So, can I have a look at your wounds?” Shizuo offered both of his arms obediently after rolling up his sleeves and let his friend checked for as long as he liked if that meant his wounds would have a proper treatment and he could go back to work. “You came here an hour after my dear Celty left, you know? Did you pass by her on the way? Ah, my beloved Celty, always full of spirit but she makes me lonely when she left me here, all alone without her warm—“

“No, I didn’t,” Shizuo decided it was the right time to cut him off before the love-struck doctor went around and around about his undying love and how beautiful and perfect Celty was though Shinra didn’t even get affected or even annoyed with Shizuo’s abrupt cut, “Where is she going?” He added, more for the sake of keeping the conversation going rather than out of pure interest or curiosity, but Shinra’s sudden shriek immediately got him to jump back reflexively; his back pressed against the comfort of the cushion behind. “Are you going to secretly meet her and have an affair?! Oh my God, Shizuo-kun how could you! You know Celty is my dear and yet you—“

“Just what the fuck, SHINRA!!” A smack was landed on Shinra’s head as Shizuo was holding the urge to throw Shinra out of his own balcony. “I was only asking, you dumbass!” Shinra looked at him with realization clear on his eyes; his mouth formed a big ‘o’ while his hand held the top of his head which was probably going to have a big swell. “Really?” He heard the doctor asked for his last confirmation. “Really! Happy now?!” Shizuo answered without looking at Shinra as he had his eyes closed from irritation while grabbing a handful of his hair in the effort of not punching his doctor friend in the gut. “Oh, in that case, I can relax.” Shinra held his hand against his chest and let out an exhale before flashing his annoying cheerful smile again. “She took a job from Orihara-kun, by the way!”

Shizuo’s eyebrow worked on a reflexive twitch at the mention of the familiar name, “…Izaya?” He watched Shinra bandaging his cuts after properly cleaning them while keeping his smile intact. “Yes, he inconsiderately bothered my precious time with my beloved Celty and sent her to work, how cruel don’t you think so too?” Shizuo let out a low growl, more out of habit because everything that involved Izaya triggered his aggression. “I just want him to stay the fuck out of Ikebukuro.” An angry vein that previously went to rest made a comeback, promising violence to everything within his reach though Shinra didn’t even seem to pay attention. “You know that is impossible unless his pride is bruised or he’s physically unable to walk. Oh, but speaking of Orihara-kun,” Shinra’s expression was bright when he looked up to stare at Shizuo’s face, “I always read his column and I admit it was quite entertaining.” There was a hint of an amused snort at the end of Shinra’s sentence but it was soon forgotten as Shizuo seemed to ponder. “Well, I did tell him to take on hobbies. It’s better than going around to destroy other people’s lives. But I didn’t think he did it for real.”

“So, it was because of you,” Shinra chuckled slightly; hands were still busy wrapping bandages around Shizuo’s deeper cuts. Though maybe Shinra didn’t mean anything by that, Shizuo couldn’t help but feel his chest tightened and his face burning at that as his throat worked on the nervous swallow. “Err… well,” Shinra looked up again to meet his gaze and Shizuo’s finger twitched slightly.

“I think, yeah, it was”

 

///

 

** Monday, 18 January 20XX **

****

**Dear Sycamore,**

**What did you mean you’re in love with every one of us? Does that mean you’re still single?**

**With love, Anon**

Dear Anon,

My, curiosity could kill the cat, you know. Just kidding, it’s exactly what I said, I love my readers so much. All of you has taken away my boredom, so it’s just right to love every one of you equally. You could say it’s unrequited on my part, but I don’t mind, really. I’ll accept you for who you are! Oh, and also, I’m not single, just married to my job… and my obsession. But, let’s leave it at that. (laughs)

Sycamore

* * *

 

**Dear Sycamore,**

**My mom said she’d buy me the newest Gundam for my birthday, but she broke the promise. She gave me a new backpack instead. If I say I don’t want it, will she be angry?**

**/Hide, age 10**

Dear Hide,

Breaking promise is no good. Your mom has probably taught you that, hasn’t she? You could start by telling this right back at her.

Sycamore

* * *

  **Dear Sycamore,**

**I've been wondering this past month whether my best friend will make out with me or not, I don’t even know if she's straight or not anymore, help! What should I do?**

**/Horny Teenager**

Dear Horny,

Oh my, a love problem, I see! Okay, Horny, first of all, you need to know her preference. If you can’t ask her directly, then investigate it. There are ways to do it without her knowing, for example asking a close friend of hers (who’s also your trustworthy friend and could keep secret) for her cooperation. That friend could initiate a heart to heart talk or some sort. But, this is the most common way, so even I doubt this could work. The subtlest way you could do is dropping hints that you’re really interested in her romantically and see how she would react. If she reacts negatively, you could always hide behind the pretense of joking. But again, if all of your methods fail, there’s still ‘Truth or Dare’, a game with all promising possibilities! You could even make out with her without knowing her preference, isn’t that amazing? And maybe, this is just another method though I don’t really recommend it, something like alcohol could make her open up in more ways than one. Hopefully, this little advice could help, good luck in wooing that best friend! (P.S. you probably need to record whatever would come out of her mouth if you really decide to play dangerous Truth and Dare! It always helps me get a little entertainment.)

Sycamore

* * *

 

///

 

** Monday, 25 January 20XX **

 

**Dear Sycamore,**

**Yo, piece of trash!**

**/Bakyura**

Dear Bakyura,

Long time no see! I see you’re as lovely as ever! It’s such an honor that even you read my column!

Sycamore

* * *

**Dear Sycamore,**

**I'm struggling in life trying to decide between two of the most important things that concern my pretty little head, and my boyfriend is of no help, saying that I should give up on my preferences and just go with "the flow of life" and I need your help ASAP 'cause I'm a lost cinnamon roll and neither my mom nor my friends and the stupid excuse of a boyfriend I have can help in this extremely delicate situation of mine. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. I REPEAT. AN EMERGENCY. To the point, should I dye my hair pink, or white?**

**With love, and waiting for your reply as soon as possible, Cinnamon Roll**

Dear Cinnamon,

What a terrible, irresponsible boyfriend you have! This is a delicate matter! Okay, calm down, I’ll try to help! First of all, my opinion on white is that white hair will make you look cooler. The fact that many protagonists or antagonists with white hair (in anime) gain more love from the fans is a proof of that. But it is **only** if their face suits the color because the most common, and dare I say amusing case of people whose face doesn’t suit white hair I found is that they looked… older than they should be. On the other hand, pink color will make you look younger than your age, it is probably just me but I sincerely feel so. It’s just… some people might think it’s a bit… eccentric. As for me, I think that a bit of eccentricity is really okay. But if I have to choose, I’ll go with white since it’s a neutral color, so you won’t have to dig your wardrobe furiously in the morning just to find the outfit that matches the color of your hair because white can go with any color just fine. I hope this can be a little helpful to you, Cinnamon Roll! (P.S. though from all the colors to dye hair with, I honestly think black is the best... or blond.)

Sycamore

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Trivia:
> 
> 1\. ‘Ikenbunkuro’ is a combination of ‘Ikebukuro’ + ‘Kenbun’ (means ‘information’ or ‘observation’)  
> 2\. Two of the questions here I got from my friends who kindly offered a helping hand.  
> 3\. Sycamore is the name of the wood of my wand from Pottermore, but that’s not the sole reason why I chose this name.


End file.
